Baby Loss Awareness Week – Hannah Pontillo – Trying To Navigate Life After Baby Loss
Published 15th October 2020
We wanted to share a link to a website hannahpontillo.com which has been created by mum Hannah Pontillo. Her son Dexy Jude Pontillo was stillborn in 2018 at 36 weeks and five days. After Dexy died Hannah started up a blog to tell her story and also to provide other bereaved parents a place to go to show them they aren’t alone. We’d like to thank Hannah for creating such a beautiful website and resources for other parents, and having the courage to share your story with us.
This is Hannah Story:
*** Some may find this distressing so this post comes with a trigger warning, please read at your own discretion. **
“At the age of 21, after months of trying and a miscarriage we finally got our well awaited two pink lines! I remember the pure excitement that filled my body and of course it was the only time I took a pregnancy test without Phil. I rang him immediately, both of us thrilled and we started planning and day dreaming about everything!
At 12 weeks we had our first scan and he was waving hello to us. I cannot explain the feeling of seeing your baby for the first time on the screen. Pure happiness. Over the next few weeks as my bump grew so did our baby furniture and clothes collection for them.
At 20 weeks we found out we were going to be having a little boy! We spent many late nights thinking of the baby names we wanted and finally settled on Dexy Jude. A couple of days before New Years we had a scan to see if he was breach and again he was waving at us. I now cherish this memory. The rest of our pregnancy was perfect. I guess you could say I was glowing, in amongst the sweating of carrying around a large bump! On New Year’s Eve we talked about how we were going to have a baby in the next month from when we wake up. It finally kicked in and felt extremely real. We spent the evening eating takeaway and enjoying the last New Years of just us two and the dog.
4am I went to the toilet and Dexy was full on partying in my belly. Kicking, punching and turning like a gymnast. I innocently just thought he was having a good time. 4 hours later I woke up. There was not one bit of movement going on inside. I rang the maternity department and they told us to come straight in. Then we experienced every parents worst fear.
01/01/18 – New Year’s Day. 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant our baby died. A beginning to the year I will never forget.
On January 5th at 20:08 Dexy Jude Pontillo, a whole 7lbs11oz was born into the world silent but extremely loved. We spent the next 2 days making memories, taking photos and spending time as a family. I see Dexy’s scans as waving hello and waving goodbye.
Since Dexy died I have made it my commitment to him to keep his memory alive and make his life count! I’ve now got a blog about baby loss and life after loss. Talking about how I keep him around and how River, his little brother knows all about him. We run a support network for dads, Dads Grieve Too. You can find us here https://dadsgrievetoo.wixsite.com.
Our latest adventure is a support network for bereaved parents in Sussex and surrounding areas. We believe it is important to have a community without a filter and without worrying about what we say. I would be lying if I said that life after having your child dies gets easier. You really just learn how to cope with it. Everyday my heart hurts and misses Dexy. But by breaking down the taboo, talking openly and speaking out about him makes him very present in our life.
I’ve realised that after therapy, talking with my friends and family that I am a valid mother of two. I just mother them differently. No matter at what gestation you are in your pregnancy, if you are concerned about anything, please get it checked out. Your maternity Department will welcome you and give you any advice you need. If I could make everyone realise one thing since Dexy died it would be that I want to talk about him just as much as I talk about his little brother. After all I am just like any other mum. Thank you.”
For further information on bereavement support available for you and your family, whenever you need it please visit www.babyloss-awareness.org.
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